I wish my penis had an off switch
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
