so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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