just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I look better un-naked...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
