you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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