i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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