were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
