woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
