I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
