No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
