I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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