My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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