So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
