All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
