I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
