even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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