How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
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I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
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I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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