someone get that fucking seahorse.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
