I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
