I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
