I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
