I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
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The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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