well I can't set my house on fire every night
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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