Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
