Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
A bitchslap is in order.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
