She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
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