yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
