Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.