she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.