Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual