Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
