May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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