I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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