If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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