Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
