I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
