Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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