There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
you never un-have a 4some
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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