Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
