i may or may not be watching the land before time
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Randomize
