Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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