Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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