Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
