Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
