people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
