he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
They have beer where we have blood.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
