You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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