did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
