can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
