i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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