so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
