My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
