You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
