final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
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Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
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When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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