dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
