Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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