If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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