i permit you to call me
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
